Battle of the Mary Sues
by Ettare
Summary: Albus Dumbledore decided that now—in the middle of the War against Deatheaters and Voldemort—it would be a most lovely time to start a student exchange program at Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

Battle of the Mary-Sues  
By Ettare

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and his mottly gang. I also don't own Jerry Springer, Bow-Flex, US Celuar, or Dell. All property rights are contributed to their rightful owners.

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—Albus Dumbledore's Office— 

It was a lovely morning, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the grass was a lovely shade of green, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, decided that now—in the middle of the War against Deatheaters/Voldemort—it would be a most lovely time to start a student exchange program at Hogwarts.

Because, in fact, there was probably some American, Canadian, German, Swiss, Chinese, Hispanic, Japanese or all of them—if the author is feeling diverse that the moment—girl out there that could cure Harry Potter of all his years of neglect and emotional abuse from when he stayed at the Dursley's. She would end up being his one true love or his long lost twin sister or both if the Mary-Sue swings in that direction.

Albus could see her now with her long shiny, shiny locks that fall like a cascade down her back, her shapely curves that would make all the other females at Hogwarts jealous, her perfectly shaped lips that would pout when she didn't get her way, and her strong rippling muscled arms and legs that would beat up that same person if the pout didn't work. Because, after all, Mary-Sue is perfect. And if she isn't, surely she would become perfect throughout the course of the story.

At once Albus whisked out his US Cellular phone even though they're in Scotland (because that's the way Mary-Sue logic works and hey, he got a great deal). He decided to be cheap and made a collect call for Dumbledore was after all, only a headmaster and he was way underpaid for all the stuff he had to do.

He dialed up all his headmaster friends and requested that they each send at least one Mary-Sue, I mean, student to Hogwarts and Hogwarts would send at least one back. Say goodbye to most of the cannon characters!

When Albus was finished, he smiled in satisfaction. He had, after all, not only ensured the future of the world by sneakily getting the strongest Mar—, I mean, students to come to Hogwarts, but Harry Potter would soon be reunited with his family and hopefully settle down with one of the exchange girls.

He sighed and went to get his Dell Laptop (he had placed a charm on it to get it to work at Hogwarts). Albus leaned over the keys and signed onto Britain on Line which was the equivalent to AOL. Who would have thought? Albus? A computer junkie?

—The Hogwarts Express—

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger filed into an empty compartment and sat down. Finding nothing better to do, they decided to take a nap for they had just run the last few miles to escape screaming fan-girls and a few fan-guys.

Just when they had finally drifted into a light sleep the door slammed open and in stepped—no, not Jerry Springer--Draco Malfoy. Apparently Draco had worked out the whole summer because he was no longer pale and ferret-ty. He had rippling, rock-hard, sweat glistening muscles. Not a six pack…an eight pack! Oh how the fan-girls drool.

"Tuh," Malfoy spit in that manly, hot, sexy way of his. He ran his hair through his platinum, blond, slightly long locks and smirked. He knew he was dead sexy. And his hair certainly held no reference to thoughts of him being gay. Nooo…

"You just spit on the floor!" Hermione screeched at him. Not likely he'd listen though, being the present Slytherin sex god that he is.

"Pipe down," he said in his oh so flattering voice that no one, not ever, could relate to nails screeching down the chalkboard. He was _Draco._ He had the Slytherin sex god legacy to fulfill; no way was he listening to a _mudblood._

"Draco!" a crowd of screeching fan-girls screamed, their thumping coming down the hallway.

"They after you too?" Harry asked with his ultra tight black shirt and baggy jeans. For Harry only wore shirts that would show off his superior muscles, though he was starting to have second thoughts what with all the fan-girls about.

"How did you know?" Draco asked as the door swung open forcefully to reveal hordes and hordes of rabid, drooling, teenage and otherwise, females.

"Run!" Ron screamed as he tried to cover his scantily clad muscles because he too had worked out all summer. He was so in shape that he could do bow-flex commercials.

The girls came in drives, biting, clawing, and groping, whatever they could of the boys while Hermione shoved herself into Crookshank's basket.

And then, the door swung open again revealing the light, Mary-Sue. The insane females fled in terror of the awesome power of Mary-Sue. She was invincible. Or pretty damn close to it anyway.

The boys were saved. They gathered what little clothes that the fan-girls had left with them and scuttled to cover their bodies each blushing in turn as May-Sue's eyes were bestowed upon them.

What would they do now? Run? Turn away? Crawl into Crookshank's basket with Hermione? Ron rather liked that idea, but Mary-Sue held his heart right now and he didn't know if it would ever see the likes of cannon again.

The train pulled to a stop and Hermione finally came out of the basket. There was a roar outside the window, the cries echoing against the wind like a gull's breath and one word was uttered as they gazed upon the masses and masses of Mary-Sues.

"Shit."

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TBC... 

Well what do you think? Is it review worthy? Should I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it took so long for me to update. I've been really sick...I go for a CAT scan this Friday to determine whether or not I have cancer in my kidneys. Sorry again. -Ettare

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and his mottly gang. I also don't own David Thewlis, Emma Watson, Aaron Carter, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. All property rights are contributed to their rightful owners.

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**Chapter Two**

The four Hogwarts students—in one hell of a lucky break—had made it to the Great Hall with only a few minor injuries and the majority of what was left of their scant clothes in tact…barely. It was all due to Draco's _fabulous_ acting skills and uncanny resemblance to the past, washed-up, pop star, Aaron Carter, that they were able to escape as they were.

The Great Hall was as eye-catching in its glorious splendor as always and looked relatively the same, save the ample amount of Mary-Sues. Up at the staff table, one would notice that Remus Lupin had returned due to certain fan-girl fantasies.

Remus was positively handsome, looking nothing at all like the character David Thewlis played—he had just the right amount of peach fuzz to give him that sexy, scruffy look. His tattered robes could not hide the fact that during the last time stretch that we had seen him in cannon, his wolfish side had really come out--in a good way.

Oh and to the right of him sat super-sexy Severus Snape! He was devilishly attractive and had obviously washed his hair over the summer. His hooked nose was now an inviting beckon and his face practically screamed "kiss me!"

The hall's doors were suddenly flung open with a clang and several eleven-year-olds trounced in after a stately looking McGonagall. It was amazing in the fact that ninety percent of them were female and as they walked by, many of them blew kisses and winked at Ron, Harry, and Draco—who, in a last ditch effort to survive the masses of crazed females, had decided to sit at the Gryffindor table. House rivalry be damned!

"Bloody hell, even the first years," Ron muttered and banged his head loudly against the table as McGonagall started the sorting.

"Ron, how could you?" Hermione suddenly screeched, standing up and pointing an accusing finger at him. "You're cheating on me with…with…that!" and with that Hermione made a vague gesture to the entire female Mary-Sue population and ran out of the Hall crying hysterically. A ghost of her voice drifted back over the now silent hall that sounded along the lines of, "you ruin everything!" There was a slightly awkward silence as everyone was stunned at Hermione's emotional outburst.

"Whoa, mate, what'd you do?" Harry asked shooting him a sympathetic look and ducking a love-me charm one of the Mary-Sues just cast at him

"The hell if I know. One minute she's hinting I should ask her out, the next she's accusing me of cheating on her."

"Yeah," Harry said offhandedly dodging a love letter someone threw at his head, "but you've got to admit Emma Watson is hot."

"Who?" asked Ron incredulously.

"You know, that chick that plays Hermione. She's pretty much the total opposite of cannon Hermione. Cannon Hermione has this afro thing going on and her front teeth once resembled a beavers. –And would you all bloody stop!" Harry screamed and stood up shoving a box of enchanted chocolates out of his lap. Continuing after the entire hall was again shocked into an awkward silence he said, "Watson is just, well, hot."

"Yeah," Ron replied staring dreamily off into space obviously thinking about Emma/Hermione.

"Hey," a new voice interrupted, tapping Ron on the shoulder, "you want to hook up?" The person turned out to be one of the exchange girls and looked to be Irish with long curly red hair and freckles. Hell if she didn't fit right in with the Weasleys.

"Hear ye, hear ye," Dumbledore said tapping the side of his goblet to attain the attention of the students as the Irish girl walked to sit a little ways down from Harry and Ron at the Gryffindor table.

"I know that I do not look like Dumbledore, my hair is too frizzy, my voice is too loud, my beard is in a ponytail, my fingernails are a weapon of mass destruction and haven't been clipped since the 1940s, and I look like I'm on crack, but let me assure you. I am Albus Dumbledore. And if any of you are wondering, I'd like new beard-ponytail holders for Christmas. Thank you. Thank you." He sat down and motioned for the food to appear as if his speech actually made sense. The man was just plain queer sometimes.

"Ahem!" Minerva McGonagall coughed and elbowed Albus in the ribs.

"Oh right!" Dumbledore said jumping back up. "And Hogwarts is now part of an exchange program. Let's eat!"

Shaking his head, Draco absently traced a pattern into the Gryffindor table and spooned a helping of Kentucky Fried Chicken onto his plate. There was a loud thump as a brunette with slick waves of hair that seemed to follow gracefully in her wake fought with her fellow-etts to sit across from him. Once she reined alpha-female of the group, she sat down and immediately began rubbing her bare foot up his leg. Why the hell she was barefoot was beyond him.

"Hi!" she exclaimed cheerfully as if she hadn't just clawed her way tooth and nail for her seat.

"Eh?" Draco asked distractedly as he watched the Irish chick from earlier pounce on Ron and begin to make out with him wildly despite being in a room full of people, several professors included.

Brushing off the fact that he wasn't really paying attention, the girl continued, "I'm Mary-Sue #157, by the way, and we'll being having kinky, hot sex later in a broom closet! I hope you like bondage!"

"Eh!" Draco began to sweat nervously. He flexed his overly large, non-steroid induced leg muscles, preparing himself to run if Mary-Sue #157 made any sudden movements, and looked over to see if Harry was fairing any better.

Abruptly, the girl leaped across the table forcing Draco to flee. He sidled over the many Mary-Sues that were lounging on the ground in-between the tables attempting to look seductive and plopped into Ron's former spot, blinking rapidly. The Weasley wouldn't be getting up to reclaim his spot anytime soon from the looks of it.

"Hey, Potter?"

"Yeah?" Harry asked absentmindedly, swatting a hormone hornet away from his ear.

But before the bleach blond could continue though, the doors to the Great Hall were swung open again. "We're here!" A group of half-veelas and otherwise females trounced into the room, wearing their sexy, blue silk dress robes.

"Ah yes!" Hippy Dumbledore announced excitedly. "The Beauxbaton exchange students have finally arrived!"

"Hey, Potter?" Draco tried again dejectedly.

"Yes?"

"We're screwed."


End file.
